The Randomness Of Sadness

I know it's wrong
and it's burning my heart
I am sorry
but I couldn't keep it up inside
I just wanted a piece of love and appreciation
I know this'll throw me where I deserve
and I'm afraid...
it'll hang my flesh and stab me with my own bones
I'll regret it, and I'll cry my soul from it
but I'm weak, and it was eating my guts
I couldn't keep it up inside
all alone...
my heart is bleeding and my skin is drowning in my tears
I live every single minute counting my heartbeats
I'm going to die someday
I wish I was never born, so I won't die
I asked for help and I found the way
the way that makes that door open for me
I don't refuse, but it's so far and I'm too weak to reach it
I couldn't keep it up inside, all alone
nobody's better than me, I just wanted to taste some love
even if it was a lie, 'cause lies are my dreams
they created my life and who I am
they burn my heart, and that living hole is steaming
it blames me for what I've done
it sounds so innocent and beautiful
and I'm too weak to resist
I live this lie and I'm not proud
I didn't get what I want
I don't deserve
I'll play with it and I know
it'll hang my flesh and stab me with my own bones
I'll regret it, and I'll cry my soul from it
again and again
I'm stuck and I don't know
do I deserve....to be free?
it's worthy, only if you're strong
but most of us aren't, so don't blame it on me
'cause I already know
and I'll keep counting.....til he breaks my neck
like I did to that innocent bird
but we're different, he'll go to heaven and I'm happy for him
I loved him and I didn't mean it, but I was too weak to resist it
guess my dignity won't last for long
it wasn't my fault, they told me to kill that piece of skin
soon, and very soon, it'll throw me there
do I deserve to keep standing all these years, stuck at the edge of the hell?
why did my life end up like this?
I know you won't hear me, but I won't stop calling
'cause I'm fed up and I can't keep it up inside
you'll never understand, nobody will ever understand. I don't either
I'll keep calling you,I'll scream, and I'll keep counting my heart beats
til I find the way
to be strong and open that door
and I won't be stuck anymore
in my life, in these lies
the end is near and I need to hurry
please God forgive me, and give me another chance
I'm too weak now, and only you can help me
please, please help me
I don't want to fall there, I'm afraid
maybe I'll change someday
I want to change, I don't want to be weak anymore
........if you ever heard my voice...
help me 'cause I need you now
like I needed you every day
I am sorry